Here on the #8 ranked stress podcast, I partner with parents to keep an eye on the family's stress levels. This week we're talking about how to give kids a sense of control when we ask them to do something. Because we're trying to keep them safe and help them grow, we often give kids a lot of instructions. When kids feel like they don't have a lot of control they push back and conflict results. Today I share some ideas on how to foster a balance of structure (things you control) and flexibility (things your kids can control) in your interactions with your kids.
Lindsay Miller is a kids mindfulness coach, mindfulness educator and host of The Stress Nanny Podcast. She is known for her suitcase tricks and playful laugh. When she's not playing catch with her daughter or rollerblading on local trails with her husband, you can find her using her 20+ years of child development study and mindfulness certification to dream up new ways to get kids excited about deep breathing. Having been featured on numerous podcasts, platforms and publications, Lindsay’s words of wisdom are high impact and leave a lasting impression wherever she goes. To download Lindsay’s Mindfulness At Any Age Guide click here. To rate the podcast click here.
Lindsay Miller is a distinguished kids mindfulness coach, mindfulness educator and host of The Stress Nanny Podcast. She is known for her suitcase tricks and playful laugh. When she's not playing catch with her daughter or rollerblading on local trails with her husband, you can find her using her 20+ years of child development study and mindfulness certification to dream up new ways to get kids excited about deep breathing. Having been featured on numerous podcasts, platforms and publications, Lindsay’s words of wisdom are high impact and leave a lasting impression wherever she goes. To sign up for Lindsay's "Calm & Collected" Newsletter click here.
Lindsay Miller 0:07
You're listening to The Stress Nanny podcast, and I'm your host, Lindsay Miller. I'm here to help you keep an eye on your family stress levels. In our fast paced lives, the ability to manage stress has never been more important for kids or adults. When it comes to stress, we have two choices, we can decrease stress or increase our resilience to it. Here on the number eight ranked stress podcast, I interview experts and share insights to help you do both. When you tune in each week, you'll bring your stress levels down and your resilience up so that stress doesn't get in the way of you living your best life. I'm so glad you're here.
Welcome to The Stress Nanny podcast. I'm your host, Lindsay Miller. And I'm delighted that you're here today. Some weeks on the podcast I interview guests and other weeks I share mindfulness tools. And this is going to be a week where I share mindfulness tool. This is an activity that I've been doing quite a bit lately in my coaching, and in my new mindfulness Club, which is group coaching for kids ages nine to 13, we've been talking about control. And one of the things that can be really, really stressful when you're a kid is that so few things are in your control. If you think about it, kids, you know like every day, they are usually going to school sometimes you know excitedly and sometimes not, we often dictate their schedule to a large degrees, sometimes we dictate what they can wear, or at least we set some boundaries around what they can do, that they may or may not agree with. We also you know, have a tendency to make choices around their food options. And we make choices about what's a safe activity or what is not a safe activity. And as parents, that's our job, right? We do all those things in an effort to keep our kids safe to help them grow healthy and strong. And to give them like the best possible chance of having a good experience in life. But sometimes, from the kids perspective, those things kind of add up. And it can start to feel like there are very few things in your control. And if you're a kid who appreciates having control of the situation and has kind of a stronger will and a tendency to have a desire to influence outcomes consistently, then that kind of control can be really, really frustrating. And I know so many of us take the opportunity to give kids choices whenever we can. And I also know that sometimes in the hustle and bustle of daily life, it can just get tricky to be doling out choices all over the place, right. And sometimes we just have to decide. So today, that activity that want to share has to do with those times when your child is maybe acting out, or you're getting a sense that they're just altra frustrated. And you have an idea that it's because they're wanting to control outcomes, but they don't feel like there's very much they can, you know, control, there's very much in their power. So this is called in control, not in my control. So we look at it from the perspective of like, what is the thing that mom is choosing right now what is the structure that mom or dad is putting in place, and the structure might be that it's time for bed. So if it's bed time, and maybe we're not ready for bed, we don't want to stop doing the thing that we're doing to go to bed. You know, there's just a variety of things that might get in the way of kids wanting to, you know, get excited about bedtime. So in that moment, we can take into consideration the fact that our child is really engaged in what they're doing and doesn't maybe want to go to bed. And then we offer them the thing that's in their control, right? I know, it's frustrating to you that it's bedtime. But I would love to see which pajamas you choose? Or do you want to brush your teeth in my bathroom or your bathroom? Or are you going to wear slippers tonight? Or do you want to wear socks? Or do you want to have bare feet, right? If we just take just a second and it really does just take 20 to 30 seconds to think about what choices the child can make in that moment, like what is in their control. And then we can offer those up in abundance. And kids usually really relish the opportunity to make choices. So if we give them those choices, a lot of times they'll engage and they might grumble and get frustrated a little bit. But especially little kids, they'll just like feel like the world has opened up to them if you give them three choices at bedtime, right? With older kids, when maybe it's time to do homework, we might say, Hey, I know you're watching that show right now and I get it you don't want to turn it off. You want to keep watching it. But we really do have to do homework. Would it help to mix it up tonight? Would you like to do your homework in the kitchen or, you know can we set up a little table in your room and you can have a little homework corner tonight, what would make that fun or depending on the age of the kid and their interests, you can offer, you know, different pens or pencils, like, Hey, I got this cool pen and you want to try it, or I got these awesome pencils today at the store? Or we might say, Do you want to listen to Taylor Swift? Will I do homework? Or would you rather listen to see? Or, you know, what is the what is the choice you can offer up in that moment that can just help them have a sense that, like there is something that they can control. So the first part of this is just taking the 20 to 30 seconds to kind of brainstorm what choices are in my child's control right now. And then the second part is only offering the choices that are going to not make our life crazy. So it doesn't do a ton of good to offer kids choices that are super frustrating for the parent, right? Because if you're already having a fight about bedtime, but then you just like create another hassle or headache for yourself. That is tricky. So the idea is to create create a set of choices, that's kind of in the sweet spot where it doesn't cost you anything to let your kid decide what pajamas to where, right. I mean, it might be the fluffy, you know, Bunny ones, it might be the Incredibles pajamas, whatever it is, it doesn't cost you anything for them to choose. So thinking through options that don't create a burden for you. That's the second part of the tool that's really important. So when you think about the control and the kind of framework structure that you're putting in place, you're thinking of it like I'm doing this because it's important for my child to get some sleep, what is something they could, you know, choose in this moment, what's a way that they could feel invested. And that's where the flexibility comes in. So we offer them flexibility within the structure that we set. And that's the whole idea of what's in their control is the flexibility. What's not in their control is the structure. But structure and flexibility together are really, really important, like for all of childhood and for parenting. So getting more and more practice and kind of thinking through those two dynamics can be really helpful and make family life a lot easier. I'd love to hear the ways that you introduce structure and flexibility to your kids, and the creative ideas that you come up with to give them choices and moments where maybe they're feeling stuck or frustrated. And again, a little bit of choice can go such a long way, especially for a child who's feeling really, really frustrated that their day has been full of choices made by adults. So give it a try and see what happens. Thanks for tuning in.
You've just finished an episode of The Stress Nanny podcast. So hopefully you feel a little more empowered when it comes to dealing with stress. Feel free to take a deep breath and let it out slowly as you go back to your day. I'm so glad you're here. If you're a longtime listener, thank you so much for your support. It really means the world to me. If you're new, I'd love to have you follow the podcast and join me each week. And no matter how long you've been listening, please share this episode with someone who was stressed out. If you enjoyed the show, would you please do me a favor and go to ratethispodcast.com/thestressnanny and leave a review. The link is in the show notes. I'm so grateful for all my listeners. Thank you again for being here. Until next time!
Transcribed by https://otter.ai