Access your ability to be kinder to yourself and more patient with your kids

Welcome to this episode of the #6 ranked stress podcast, where we explore ways to optimize stress and live a happier, healthier life.  In today's episode, Lindsay talks with DJ Stutz an Early Childhood Specialist with more than 20 years of teaching experience. They talk about how to connect more deeply with your child while being more patient with yourself.

Segment 1: DJ's Introduction

In this segment, DJ shares her perspective on teaching kids based on her background as a parent and teacher. 

Segment 2: Empowering Kids

Lindsay & DJ discuss the ways that we actually teach kids to be helpless by overriding their emotions and perspectives. Listeners are invited to find empathy for kids and validate their experiences in developmentally appropriate ways.

Segment 3: The Power of the Re-do & Practice

We all make mistakes and as parents we can gently and compassionately recognize our mistakes and own them, asking for a chance to re-do an interaction. When we show kids that it's ok to make mistakes we empower them to own their mistakes. DJ shares some great tips about practicing sticky situations when kids are calm so that they have new ideas on how to respond to frustration.

Segment 4: Takeaways

In this final segment, DJ summarizes practical advice for listeners to implement today to improve relationships  in the home.

Conclusion:

Thanks for tuning in to this episode of the Stress Nanny podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, rate the podcast here, or review us on your favorite podcast platform. And don't forget to join us next time as we explore more ways to optimize stress and live a happier, healthier life.

DJ Stutz has an immense love for children and fully understands the challenges and concerns that come with parenting them. She engages with parents through encouragement and support that enhances confidence in, who they are and what they stand for, as they create the path and blaze the trail of raising independent, kind, and successful children, while ultimately, setting the tone for parents and children who celebrate the happiness and peace of home. Connect with DJ via:
https://www.LittleHeartsAcademyUSA.com
https://www.ImperfectHeroesPodcast.com
https://www.Facebook.com/ImperfectHeroesPodcast
https://www.Facebook.com/LittleHeartsAcademy 
Instagram @ImperfectHeroesPodcast 
Instagram @LittleHeartsAcademy 
TikToc @LittleHeartsAcademyUSA.COM

Lindsay Miller is a kids mindfulness coach, mindfulness educator and  host of The Stress Nanny Podcast. She is known for her suitcase tricks  and playful laugh. When she's not playing catch with her daughter or  rollerblading on local trails with her husband, you can find her using  her 20+ years of child development study and mindfulness certification  to dream up new ways to get kids excited about deep b

Lindsay Miller is a distinguished kids mindfulness coach, mindfulness educator and host of The Stress Nanny Podcast. She is known for her suitcase tricks and playful laugh. When she's not playing catch with her daughter or rollerblading on local trails with her husband, you can find her using her 20+ years of child development study and mindfulness certification to dream up new ways to get kids excited about deep breathing. Having been featured on numerous podcasts, platforms and publications, Lindsay’s words of wisdom are high impact and leave a lasting impression wherever she goes. To sign up for Lindsay's "Calm & Collected" Newsletter click here.

Transcript

Lindsay Miller  0:07  
You're listening to The Stress Nanny podcast and I'm your host, Lindsay Miller. I'm here to help you keep an eye on your family stress levels. In our fast paced lives, the ability to manage stress has never been more important for kids or adults. When it comes to stress, we have two choices we can decrease stress or increase our resilience to it. Here on the number eight ranked stress podcast, I interview experts and share insights to help you do both. When you tune in each week, you'll bring your stress levels down and your resilience up so that stress doesn't get in the way of you living your best life. I'm so glad you're here. 

Hey, there this is Lindsay, thanks so much for being here today. I can't wait to share this episode with you. I chat with DJ Stutz, who knows kids who knows families and he knows how to help parents be patient with themselves, while also up leveling their parents game. So without further delay, here's our conversation. I hope you enjoy it. 

Welcome to The Stress Nanny podcast. I'm your host Lindsay Miller and I'm delighted that you're here today for my conversation with DJ Stutz. DJ feels like life is full of joy and parenting is no exception. Raising children is rewarding but can be really hard work at times. DJ is an early childhood specialist with more than 20 years of teaching experience. She has an immense love for children and fully understands the challenges and concerns that come with parenting them. She engages with parents through encouragement and support that enhances confidence in who they are and what they stand for, as they create the path and blaze the trail of raising independent, kind and successful children, while ultimately setting the tone for parents and children who celebrate the happiness and peace at home. DJ, thank you so much for joining me today.

DJ Stutz  1:54  
Well, thanks for having me.

Lindsay Miller  1:56  
I'm excited about this conversation. I was a guest on DJs podcast. And I've heard from some of my listeners about how much they enjoyed that episode. So I'm going to link to that in the show notes. If you haven't heard that, check it out also. But I was super excited to have DJ on my show. Because one of the things that about her perspective that I love of many things is the idea that we're engaging with this as imperfect heroes, right, DJ,

DJ Stutz  2:20  
right. Nobody's perfect. We're okay with our mistakes. Yeah. And so

Lindsay Miller  2:25  
just like calling parenting that from the outset. I mean, we know this is a great conversation, right? Like you're an imperfect hero, because you're just trying, right? Like you're doing your best every day day in and day out to do the heroic task of parenting. And recognizing that, like we're gonna there are going to be missteps. It's just a natural part of the process, and that we can kind of maybe let go of some of the expectations that we're going to get it just right,

DJ Stutz  2:50  
right. Nobody does. Nobody ever has.

Lindsay Miller  2:53  
Yeah. So could you give us just a little bit of background on your kind of teaching years and how you came to this space of supporting parents in in their parenting journey?

DJ Stutz  3:04  
Well, sure. You know, I've been around kids my whole life, I was a big sister when I was 14 months old. I'm the oldest of seven. I've got five kids, 12 grandkids, my husband's the baby of nine. And so when we put our families together, we have seven D nieces and nephews. I could not remember a time in my life when I haven't had little kids around me. My youngest brother was born the summer before my senior year in high school. So you know, it's just kind of a natural thing for me. And so I started school, going to school, and actually stopped, didn't finish. Because I was married, I had my own little kids. And then when they got older, I finished up and started teaching. And I love. I love the little guys, because this is our foundation. This is our time when we get to help them see the world as a safe place as a place where they can make a difference, where they're important enough to do amazing things. So when I just retired from teaching, this is my first year. And it's been a hard year for me because I miss my kids. But okay, so in my classroom, I always had this up on the wall. It was we are smart, we are kind and we do hard things. And it's important for our kids to understand that they are completely capable of doing hard things. And in fact, the hard things are the most rewarding things. And so I've heard other teachers say, Oh, they won't get that that's too hard for them or that's this and that My like, really? Because I'm doing it with my classroom. And they get it and they're doing well with it. And I've even offered and, and luckily had teachers who took me up on it, were cut love, why didn't you bring your kids in to the classroom? And let's maybe try some things together as two classrooms together. And within 1015 minutes, I've had the other class doing things that their teacher thought that they were not old enough, didn't comprehend well enough. And what's nice is seeing the pure support that takes place. And that's a wonderful thing with our little guys. Is that like, Oh, you don't know how well let me show you.

Lindsay Miller  5:46  
Where we're all learning. Yeah, yeah.

DJ Stutz  5:49  
Yeah, I even had. So most of my teaching time I have spent in the poorest Elementary in the school district, this was in metro Denver area. And so a lot of gang activity, a lot of violence, a lot of stuff going on. And crashes, probably five years ago, maybe six, I had a little guy that he was super violent. And he is one of the smaller kids. So someday, he's going to figure out, this doesn't work for you, he would get angry. And, and just because someone had a marker, and they weren't ready to give it up. And he would literally, he literally stabbed other kids with pencils, when he'd get mad at them. And so, you know, challenging kid, that was actually a very challenging year. But what was interesting is, even with this little guy, he was an excellent reader, very, very good reader. And so I could team him up with a child who was really struggling. And he was the most patient, and he was, you know, and, and so it's really important for it was important for him to see, this is what you bring to our classroom, you really help. And you could see the pride that he took, and, and all of that, as, as we learn about humanity, actually, as an adult, from these little kids from working with them, and then teaching them how to channel that in positive ways. And nothing is impossible. You

Lindsay Miller  7:27  
are speaking my language. Yeah. Yes, well, and I love the way that you've phrased that just like the potentiality that exists in early childhood that often goes unnoticed, right? Like, there's, they're capable of so much, so much. And they recognize, understand, see, and learn constantly. I think of it kind of like the door, and like the how much they have openness to the rest of their life is like on the hinge of early childhood, right. And it's like, we help them see their potential, help them see like how they connect with the world around them, help them tune into their capability. Like we open that door so wide for them, you know, and then they just like run through it for the rest of their lives. And if you keep that door closed, they can still open it later. But it gets heavier, right like that. It doesn't open as easily the hinges get a little rusty, like it's harder to swing that door open wide at any other time than early childhood. But in early childhood, we can open it up, connect them to themselves, other people and a sense of competence and competence. There's like no stopping them. Right?

DJ Stutz  8:40  
Well, and it's interesting that it's at this time in their life. And that's why, like with my podcast, and my parent coaching and all the stuff I do, I concentrate from birth to the age of eight years old. Because that's when that big things happen. Yeah, kids will define themselves as a victim, or a victor. You know, and so, this is when they learn to be perpetual victims, or to be perpetual victors, you know, those that are helpless, and those that are helpful. This is the time in their life. And so that's what drew me to early childhood is growing up as I did, you know, with all these little kids around me, and then being able to sit back and look and say, you know, wow, so much happens at this point. And so that's where I wanted to concentrate. It's funny that even in high school, my career choice was mommy. That's what I truly wanted to do, and to be and so it's just it's just been a logical flow for my life to wind up here.

Lindsay Miller  9:58  
Yeah, yeah, well Well, thanks for again, pointing out that like your coaching focuses on those ages, because I think that a lot of times I find this with mindfulness, right, because I coach kids in mindfulness and I find parents will come to me and they'll be like, Is this too early? And I'm like, No, it's not, you know, there, I don't know that there is a too early when it comes to mindfulness in terms of being able to relate with me on Zoom. That's, you know, there's a, there's an age range there, where it's like, workable and not, but in terms of teaching mindfulness like, and so often, I imagine, you see this too, in your practice, like those little kids, we don't, we don't necessarily have to teach them mindfulness, we just need to create space for them. Right, we need to make like space. And then what I tell parents is like, from eighth on, we're kind of bridging that mindfulness into adolescence, right, like we take that we've created space for when they're little. And then we create, we help them see how to leverage it into those, you know, later childhood years and adolescence. And like, what what mindfulness looks like later on, you know, the foundation gets set, though, in those tiny, tiny years, sensor development, when it's, you know, learning to identify emotion, when it's language, all of those things. Give them the the foundation that they'll build on for the rest of their mindful life.

DJ Stutz  11:17  
Absolutely. And I think that, in fact, I just had a guy on my podcast was last week or the week before, his name's Doug know, and, and he's all about that listening and helping kids identify their emotions. And it was really funny, because we're currently living with my, one of my sons while we're building a home. And he has two little kids and he's got a four year old, that he is so full of emotion, just, you know, lots of big emotions, which I laugh because it's, it's just justice. You know, my son has a son, like

Lindsay Miller  12:00  
I said, justice for you. Because I was like, you know, genetic

DJ Stutz  12:08  
go off and Christians just like blah, and I'm like, yo,

Lindsay Miller  12:14  
but the first time to it.

DJ Stutz  12:18  
But Lachlan was very upset about a week ago in the morning, and it was just like, you know, just having a big thing. And, and I, so and so I'm constantly learning myself. If I stop learning, I gotta quit doing this. Because then I'm no longer invested. But so I was helping him was like, oh, Lachlan, you're so angry, I see that you're angry. And that wasn't calming him down at all. And so finally, he's got an older sister, who was seven. And he went into the living room and was just was just angry. And something clicked in my brain, thank heavens. And I said, look like I think you're upset. Because you feel like your sister wasn't listening to you. Fam, that was it. That was it. So just identifying, you're angry, you're hungry, you're disappointed, you're whatever. But helping him with that all together, really has made that difference. And, and, you know, and so we're constantly working and, and sometimes that'll work. And sometimes it won't. As soon as you think you've got something figured out for your kids. You find out you don't.

Lindsay Miller  13:38  
Yeah, are they changed? Or the different development date? Are you? Yeah, yeah. Oh, definitely. Well, are they're ready for the next skill, right? So I think like naming it to tame it is so powerful, because I think a lot of times as parents or caregivers, we think to ourselves, oh, if I name it, if I give attention to this emotion, it's gonna get bigger. When a lot of times when we give attention to the emotion and like, acknowledge and honor it, it diffuses it instead of creating the monster out of it,

DJ Stutz  14:08  
well, and then, too, they don't have to be afraid of it. Yep. Because when they're out of control, they are more scared than we are. Yeah, you know, I'm feeling this. I don't know how to handle it. I'm in this panic mode. And it's, so it's kind of interesting to see them grow and learn as and become calmer. Because now I feel like I've got more control. It's like a family that has no boundaries, right? Oh, you can't do this year. The kid throws a fit well, okay. So you know, because you want the fit to be done. Well, you've just guaranteed more fits. But now, the child it's like walking on a balanced being 20 feet up in the air. and there's no side rails to hold on to. You know, so you've got something under you that holding you up. But you are easily toppled either way. Imagine how scary that would be. That'd be very frightening for me. Yeah, that's how they're feeling when they don't have those boundaries, hold on to, to give them that stability. And sometimes they'll say, I don't want to hold on, you know, look at me no hands, right? The emotional version of no hands, mom. Yeah, yeah. Right. But then all of a sudden, they start to wobble. And they'll grab onto those boundaries, to give them that balance to make them feel safer.

Lindsay Miller  15:45  
Yeah, that's a really great analogy. And I also appreciate the recognition, you brought it up that the emotion itself feels scary for them. Because they, I mean, I have 42 years of working with strong emotions, right. So I've gotten a lot of tools, I've got a lot of experience, like I have some, something to draw from. But like kids face new things every day really scary things, right. And they're constantly in this place of like, nervous system stimulation, because everything is new. And they're trying to like build this mental frameworks, right? And understand how the world works, understand how people work, and there's just so much coming in for them. And they don't have a lot of experience managing all of it. Right. And by nature, because they're kids. And so just helping them identify the big feeling. It does does them a favor, and that they can like, oh, that's what this is. Right? I don't have to be scared of this. I we normalize it, we say that's what this is. Here's some options for how to deal with it. You know, but when we get mad at them for having the feeling like they're powerless to stop anger, right? I mean, little, they can stop it, they can work with it. And they can choose, you know, make different choices when they're feeling angry, but they can't stop the anger. So when we put them in a position of being afraid of what they're feeling, it really puts them in a bind and escalates their stress, right? Because it makes it because they don't have a way to stop it. But if they're getting in trouble for having the emotion itself, like, what are they supposed to do?

DJ Stutz  17:14  
Right? Well, and then think about that, when we're teaching a child to not get angry. We're teaching we're teaching them then to not stick up for themselves to not stand strong. You know. And one of the things that I've used with my coaching is, I'm, I don't, it's nice when your kids are happy. Isn't that wonderful? I just want my kids to be happy. No, I want my kids to be good. And the good decision, the right decision isn't always the happy decision. And so I may have to make a choice that I know, in the short term, which is really all they have to look for. Right? Is their short term, they don't understand long term. Yeah. So in the short term, it's not going to make me happy. But down the road, I'm better. So if I stick up for another kid, that's being bullied, right? And the other kids come after me, because now, you know, they're mad at me for sticking up. That's not the happy moment. But it's the right thing to do. And so as we teach our kids, well, why would you stick up? Because I'm upset that they're treating him badly? Let's do something with that emotion. Do something positive with it. And and do you always hanger handle your anger? Well, so why would I expect the three or four year old to? Yeah, I've got a few decades of working on that. And I still, you know, can struggle when I'm flustered when I'm stressed when I'm

Lindsay Miller  18:56  
in a new situation? Yeah,

DJ Stutz  18:59  
yeah, yeah. And so I often hear accurate at your age. And I just want to shout at that parent they are.

Lindsay Miller  19:08  
That's exactly what you're seeing right now.

DJ Stutz  19:10  
That's exactly what they're doing. They're acting their age. You're the one

Lindsay Miller  19:17  
I think there's so many great things that you just said. One of the things I loved the most was how you pointed out that the the 14 year old version or the 18 year old version, or the 19 year old version of this is right. So like, we don't want to shut down anger, right? We don't want to shut down any emotions because they're all informative. No, like to figuring out how to help a small child deal with emotion then especially big emotions. It's it's hard work, right? It is. But one of my friends when my daughter was really small, she was like Lindsey, the amount of effort that I put into my kids when they're little makes my job that much easier when they're big. And I've never forgotten that because she, you know, she had boys had four boys and they were rough and tumble, you know, and there was a lot going on at her house, but she was just like, the time that I spend to help educate them on emotion on their relationships on communication. She's like, I'm not seeing the returns for that for years. Right? Yeah, she's like, now that they're older, I can see all those seeds that I planted back when they were little coming to fruition. And I had to have faith for a really long time that that was going to be the case, right? Yeah. Yeah. But she said they're easier, as you know, adolescence, and then young adults. With that kind of support in early childhood, you know, yeah,

DJ Stutz  20:42  
your friend actually gets it really well. You know, and, and so I think when, when we've decided to become a parent, right. That's what we're signing up for, is a few years of really, really hard work, meaningful work. And rewarding work, that hard work. And then as they get older, and it's really fun when you start seeing them on their own, saying, Please, and thank you, without you telling them on their own, wanting to do something kind for a stranger or for somebody because we've taught that service and humility and gratitude in the home, and then you start seeing it. And the fun thing is that you will get glimpses of it, it's not going to be consistent. But you will get glimpses that some of the things that you're doing is working. It's interesting to me that one of the things that you can to kind of see how you're doing how your kids sees you, is watch them when they're playing with, especially girls when they're playing with their dolls. How are they talking to that doll? Because that's how they see you talking to them. What a great gauge that is, you know, and so there are little pieces that you can see, and, and do. But then also understand that, yes, self care is very important. And you've and you've got to, you've got to have some pieces that are in there. But at the same time, it's going to look very different. When your kids are little, then as they get older, and they're more independent. And so maybe you don't like playing Tea Party, and combing the dolls hair in the bedroom. realize they're not going to be playing Tea Party, and wanting to comb their dolls hair really all that long. It's going to be over soon. And so even though there may be things that your kids like to do, that you're not really interested in doing. It's only for a short time. You know? Yeah, it's

Lindsay Miller  23:08  
a two good point, I was talking to a mom yesterday. And again, we all I mean, I think everyone tries to do their best, but I think some people take a more informed approach to parenting than others. And this, this mom, in particular, had had an interaction with a father in law, and the interaction was more of like a, let's engage on my terms, interaction. And it was interesting, because the mom was saying, you know, I've never had an interaction with this person, where it's like, there's an investment in me, it's always, let's engage on my terms, you know, and it makes me think of the adult story that you just shared, you know, we can start to practice engaging with our kids on their terms, in a lot of different ways when they're little. And that's not to say that every interaction is us playing Tea Party and combing adults hair, like some interactions are on our terms. But I think we have to remember that as parents, most of the interactions with our kids are on our terms, like most of the things that they have to do are the ways that they engage with us. It's like, we're asking them to do something, we're telling them to do something, you know, we're trying to get them to do something. And so being able to have that kind of reciprocity in our relationships from an early age, just builds it in, right, it weaves it into the fabric of the relationships such that it's normal for us to engage like on each other's terms. You know, as my daughter's getting older. She's a teenager now, and they're much more you know, when she asked me to engage on her terms, I'm like, Okay, how do you want me to show up, you know? Like, however, however you want me in your world, I'll be there, you know, there there aren't as many invitations right. And they change and they're different. And so I think practicing ageing on their terms is a skill that's going to serve us for our whole lives. Right? And, and when we can practice it when they're little, we're not going to have those moments, hopefully, when they're older, when, you know, when a mom says this, this parent has never engaged on my terms, it's always their terms

DJ Stutz  25:19  
of interest. Interesting. Yeah, I think that it's really key to look at how often, we have that opportunity to really sit down, and we think we're busy, we're so busy. And we are, you know, with all of the gadgets and all of the technology that's around us to make our life simpler, we are actually more busy than our grandparents and our great grandparents were, you know, to the point where I mean, that, if you look back on when they had to actually bring in wood to put in the oven to cook their dinner, you know, instead of flipping a switch their lives were calmer than ours are now. And they did find more time to, you know, engage with the kids and the kids were involved at a much younger age, in helping and have been an important contributing member of that family. And I think that sometimes we need to look at ways that we can make sure that our kids know, our family doesn't work without you. You know, you are capable. When they're little, they're excited to help you load the dishwasher. That doesn't last long. Right? Yeah. But so okay, they're not going to do it. Exactly. Right. And you can help them learn a few things, and, and reach. But even if you've got to redo, you know, like, I don't know, some of us women, we have a certain way we want it. Yeah, I get that. But even if you've got to redo it later, you know, when they're not there, but having them help and be a part of that. Having them help you push the vacuum, having them help you sort the laundry? Man, that's a great, that's science, that's math, that's all of this stuff. Oh, what is this a light color, dark color? You know, is this a towel or whatever, however, you start your laundry? Yeah, we all have our own ways, but they want to engage in that. And if you keep pushing them off, let me just get it done. And I understand that boy, do I understand that, you know, but at the same time, take a breath, you know, and and ask them, Where do you think this washcloth goes? What pile does this go in? Oh, is this yours? Or is this brothers? So what basket? Should we put it in? However, you've got it going? There's so many ways to engage them while we're being busy. So they're part of your busyness? Yeah, they're not pushed aside and on a on a screen somewhere.

Lindsay Miller  28:12  
Yeah, I think that's such a powerful example. Because I think it can be easy with those more mundane tasks that were just trying to, as parents get through, right, to just focus in on getting the task done and, and miss opportunities to engage in and connect. It makes me think of just like the, the tendency that I think we have to to, again, this idea of expectation, right? And like we we want it to look a certain way, or we want to maybe like have, I'm reminded of like our Christmas tree, I whispered to my husband the other day, my daughter's 13, right, I was with my husband the other day, I was like, there's going to I'm going to miss the day when she's not decorating the tree. Because all the ornaments are like, from I level down on the front of the tree. You know, like and there are some, you know, there are some in other places, but like the main concentration is right there at the front of the tree where she's putting them on, you know, just it's from her eye level down. And it's been that way her whole life, you know, and there's going to be a day when if I want to decorate the tree, you know, in a different way that I'll be able to, but just savoring the the chance to decorate it with her and just noticing those tendencies and patterns and like, you know, maybe at 13 I thought she was going to space them out a little bit more and she you know, she does more than when she was four. Right. But I'm just glad she wanted to decorate the tree with me. Right.

DJ Stutz  29:41  
Exactly.

Lindsay Miller  29:41  
I think I think that there again comes this like opportunity to really just be mindful and again, like because kids are already mindful often engage with them and just be present. Like I'm with you doing this thing right now. It's going to look different than When I'm doing it by myself, and that's one thing, you know that we could be doing it together and that you have an ownership in it that, you know that it shows that it wasn't just me. Always easy to have that mindset, like you said, if we're in a hustle, or we just feel like we have a million things, but in those moments, I think just seeing that as an invitation to presents like that can be your mindfulness practice that day, right? Slowing down enough to fold the washcloths with your four year old, like that's your witness practice, right, you're feeling the texture of it, you're just looking eyes, you're you know, you're you're taking a deep breath, and just doing it at their pace. Like that's, that's as mindful as it gets.

DJ Stutz  30:39  
And that also can be depending on where your head is. And we're all over the place, you know, as a human being, but when you can take the time and really be present and mindful. That's part for me anyway, that was part of self care. Yeah, yes. Knowing that, wow, I'm teaching my kid this and we're connecting, and were, you know, doing that, and when they're really young, sometimes that has to be almost part of that self care routine, is recognizing, oh, my kid wants another story. They're not gonna want another story much longer. So, yeah,

Lindsay Miller  31:23  
so just cozying up feeling that like, the weight of them next to you, as you're reading, feeling the texture of Gosh, such a great fan, smelling their little head, whether it were just bathed, you know, in just under your head, you know, snuggling them up, just like those are all beautiful, mindful moments. And really like all the mindfulness practice that sometimes you need, like you're saying, during those busy years, when there's just so much going on, and they need so much from you. Like letting letting them invite you to presence and letting that rejuvenate. I think that I think when my daughter, she was about 18 months. And we took her to New York City on vacation and Statue of Liberty. And you know, it was it, I hadn't been the Statue of Liberty in a while. And so I was trying to like, I wanted to take it all in, like go to the statue and see all the things and you know, be be in all the adult places. And what she was so interested in at that age was watching the fall leaves because it was fall, like, blow across the sidewalk. She just like could not get enough of the fall leaves. And you know, they were gorgeous with like yellows and reds. And so we spent most of the day at the Statue of Liberty, like chasing leaves. Yeah. And at the time, you know, there was a part of me that was like, go, go, go, we gotta you know, like, she's not gonna remember the Statue of Liberty. 18 months, it was for me, right. But, you know, we went a couple years later when she was older, and she could take it in in a different way. But I think like, what you're saying is you those moments, they are so fleeting. And they're so beautiful. And so if we can connect with the beauty of it, I will never forget, like I have imprinted in my mind. Cute little self in her pink coat in her hat, you know, walking down this wide sidewalk, chasing after these leaves in the fall. And I think that, like that is parenting, right? Like, those are the moments that we want. And those are the moments we want to be fully present for. We don't want to just race pass them to the Statue of Liberty. Right? We want to just like soak it up.

DJ Stutz  33:34  
Yeah, yeah, we really do. And I think too, there's something to be said about connecting with them. But practicing when they're calm. Yeah, how to manage, you know, their impatience, oh, I have to wait. So, so maybe at home, so maybe you do something like once a week or once a month or whatever. With little kids, you're going to need it more often than once a month. But when you get together, and you're practicing, like, Oh, I've got away what can I do? What can I you know, and you make fun of it. You're role playing, I mean, little kids, three years old love to roleplay and so practicing. Baby, I always had me be the bad kid. You know, just for that. And so it's like, oh, you're playing so nicely. You know, I've come and, and they and we've talked about it, we know that we're role playing, we've identified it, but then I'm like, What are you going to do? And so we practice some of those things. And, and that's an that is for me, that's a fun, fun memory, as well, is watching them come up with some scenarios. Well, what makes you mad? They'll tell me is like, okay, let's practice, you know, and have some fun with that and So all of those kinds of things that that are precious, you know, looking back on those memories of practicing in the silliness of it and but they're learning while you're doing it, taking the time to say, rolling, what is she going to know about the Statue of Liberty when we live? But what a precious memory that is, for you not to say that kid should control what's going on all the time. There are times when you have to say, sweetie, I love that you're enjoying this really gotta go, you know, and sometimes they get upset as a kindergarten teacher. I've had parents that would be like, Oh, why are you mad and, and they're gonna get a half an hour after class is supposed to start, they're still out, trying to be this find. And I'm like, okay, you know, what just given to me.

Lindsay Miller  36:01  
After school,

DJ Stutz  36:03  
we got to start school. And there are times when and the little kid got to understand, Oh, if I act this way, I get an extra half an hour with mom totally zoning in on me, which is really what he wanted. And I can't blame him for that. Right. But then there were times when it's like, Okay, stay by we're going, you know. And so there are some times but I think could tolerate those times better. When they do have the opportunity to lead the discussion to lead the activity, you know, be engaged as often as often as you can. You know, but remembering those boundaries.

Lindsay Miller  36:47  
Yeah. Well, I love the, like the tantrum practice or the kind of like losing control fighting practice? No, I think that's so it's so genius. And you and I've talked about that before, because I think it like you said, it gives them ownership. And you're, you're helping them build self awareness at a time when they're already calm. And they don't need you know, they don't need the same kind of intervention and they can problem solve. I know like with the mindfulness kids that I coach, we often will go through, like troubleshooting before something happens, or what's a common scenario when you're gonna get frustrated? You know, and I think, I think that the fighting practice, though, that's fantastic. I love I love that like, bringing the kids in the room be like, Okay, the next time you guys fight, it's probably gonna be about what? Okay, let's,

DJ Stutz  37:33  
let's practice, how are we gonna handle it? It's fun. They come up with such great ideas, you know, and then what you can do it as I was called it, the treasure box. Some people use it, college, toolbox, whatever. But I take some of those ideas that they come up with. So if brother takes my truck, what can I do? And maybe write down or draw pictures or whatever, and put them in the treasure box, so that next time, they can go and say, Oh, let's see what the treasure box says. And you go in and pull out willy nilly. This is what you chose. And then like, okay, like, it's so funny how they're like, oh, yeah,

Lindsay Miller  38:17  
totally diffuses it like, oh, we already decided this fine. Okay.

DJ Stutz  38:23  
So it's funny, and then always validate like, I had one this wasn't, although it could have been one of my kids very easily, but it was a student, and was upset because someone had taken something. And I said, so what can you do? I'm like, I could punch him in the face. That's like, yes, that is a choice. We have three questions that I always ask, what's the best thing that could happen? What's the worst thing that could happen? And how will my different decision affect others? Hmm. And so and so instead of saying, Oh, no, that's terrible idea. It's like, okay, that is an idea. Let's think about it. What's the best thing that could happen if you punch him in the face? What's the worst thing that could happen? And then how does that decision affect the other people around you? And it's amazing how quickly they understand how young they understand those things. But if you can even just train them to start asking those three questions, with basically all of their decisions, because as they get practiced at it, it comes more quickly. They don't really even have to go through each one individually. They've just got that whole process in their head.

Lindsay Miller  39:41  
Those are so great. And they encompass so many things like it's self awareness, because it's for them like they're oriented to the outcome. And then it's also community and relational awareness, because it connects them to other people and the impact of the choice so it's a choice made with self awareness. But not in isolation. I love that.

DJ Stutz  40:02  
It's yeah. And it's fun to watch the progress as you keep working with them on it,

Lindsay Miller  40:09  
asking, yeah, well, DJ, this has been so fun. I just love your perspective and appreciate the different ways that you help parents to kind of just take a second look at different situations, I feel like there a lot of times is parenting, we can get frustrated, or because things are rote or routine, we can kind of get stuck in a rut. And I think one of the biggest things that I appreciate about your perspective is like taking a step back. And looking at it with perspective, and saying, like, you know, what's actually going on here? And how can we I hear empathy for the child and for the adult in so much of your work. So I appreciate that. Thank you, again, for being here.

DJ Stutz  40:49  
Oh, thank you for having me. It's a joy. Talk to us about

Lindsay Miller  40:53  
where people can find you. How can they connect with your work and your podcast?

DJ Stutz  40:58  
Yeah. So the podcast is called imperfect heroes. And you can find it on basically anywhere that you get your podcasts. And I have a website that I do my coaching and my challenges and all of that through. It's called Little Hearts Academy. usa.com

Lindsay Miller  41:20  
Thank you again, this has been a joy. I appreciate the work you're doing in the world. Well, thank

DJ Stutz  41:25  
you and you as well, helping those kids managed through stresses, no small feat.

Lindsay Miller  41:32  
No, but a meaningful one for sure. Absolutely.

Well, whether it's being more patient with yourself, or having a better understanding of the perspective of your child and using that to create a more cohesive and supportive family life, I hope there was at least one snippet from this episode that will stick with you and help you to find greater satisfaction and meaning in your interaction with your family. Thanks again for listening. 

You've just finished an episode of The Stress Nanny podcast. So hopefully you feel a little more empowered when it comes to dealing with stress. Feel free to take a deep breath and let it out slowly as you go back to your day. I'm so glad you're here. If you're a longtime listener, thank you so much for your support. It really means the world to me. If you're new, I'd love to have you follow the podcast and join me each week. And no matter how long you've been listening, please share this episode with someone who is stressed out. If you enjoyed the show, would you please do me a favor and go to ratethispodcast.com/thestressnanny and leave a review. The link is in the show notes. I'm so grateful for all my listeners. Thank you again for being here. Until next time!

Transcribed by https://otter.ai