Easy ways to connect with your kids about social media use

Welcome to this episode of the #6 ranked stress podcast, where we explore ways to optimize stress and live a happier, healthier life.  In today's episode, Lindsay talks with Sarah Maynard, founder of The Start Effect who specializes in helping families balance their digital and offline lives. Today's conversation is about how to help teens balance social media use.

Segment 1: Sarah's Introduction

In this segment, Sarah introduces her work and shares insights on why balancing social media use is important.

Segment 2: Making Conversations Comfortable

Sarah talks us through the the importance of creating a comfortable, open dialogue with our kids around social media use. She shares examples to illustrate the ways  openness allows us to start better conversations with our kids about social media and digital safety.

Segment 3: The Power of Asking Questions

One of Sarah's key tips is to let kids be the experts when it comes to social media, acknowledging that they will always know more about it than their parents. When we approach conversations with this perspective, the dialogue changes and we can set informed boundaries.

Segment 4: Takeaways

In this final segment, Sarah shares practical advice for listeners to implement today to improve conversations around social media use and balance real world interactions with digital interactions.

Conclusion:

Thanks for tuning in to this episode of the Stress Nanny podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, rate the podcast here, or review us on your favorite podcast platform. And don't forget to join us next time as we explore more ways to optimize stress and live a happier, healthier life.

Sarah Maynard is the founder and CEO of THE START EFFECT. She helps people understand the impact the digital world has on their offline lives and find balance between online and unplugged so that they can live a safe, healthy, and intentional life in both worlds. Sarah is a passionate storyteller and lifelong learner. She has worked with kids for almost 20 years and she is a children’s book writer and illustrator and digital marketing communications strategist. Her big current project is helping teens become published authors and teaching them how to use digital marketing to their benefit. You can find Sarah at:
www.thestarteffect.com
http://instagram.com/thestarteffect/
www.teenswritebooks.com

Lindsay Miller is a kids mindfulness coach, mindfulness educator and  host of The Stress Nanny Podcast. She is known for her suitcase tricks  and playful laugh. When she's not playing catch with her daughter or  rollerblading on local trails with her husband, you can find her using  her 20+ years of child development study and mindfulness certification  to dream up new ways to get kids excited about deep breathing. Having  been featured on numerous podcasts, platforms and publications,  Lindsay’s words of wisdom are high impact and lea

Lindsay Miller is a distinguished kids mindfulness coach, mindfulness educator and host of The Stress Nanny Podcast. She is known for her suitcase tricks and playful laugh. When she's not playing catch with her daughter or rollerblading on local trails with her husband, you can find her using her 20+ years of child development study and mindfulness certification to dream up new ways to get kids excited about deep breathing. Having been featured on numerous podcasts, platforms and publications, Lindsay’s words of wisdom are high impact and leave a lasting impression wherever she goes. To sign up for Lindsay's "Calm & Collected" Newsletter click here.

Transcript

Lindsay Miller  0:07  
You're listening to The Stress Nanny podcast and I'm your host, Lindsay Miller. I'm here to help you keep an eye on your family stress levels. In our fast paced lives, the ability to manage stress has never been more important for kids or adults. When it comes to stress, we have two choices we can decrease stress or increase our resilience to it. Here on the number eight ranked stress podcast, I interview experts and share insights to help you do both. When you tune in each week, you'll bring your stress levels down and your resilience up so that stress doesn't get in the way of you living your best life. I'm so glad you're here. 

Hey, there this is Lindsay, thanks so much for being here. I'm excited to share this conversation with you. I talked with Sarah Maynard about all things kids in social media. She has some great tips on how to be intentional in terms of our conversations with kids about social media. So she has some great conversation starters. And then she also has a great perspective on how to approach the conversation from a sustainable perspective. Like it's not going away. How can we work with it in the best way possible. I hope you enjoyed the episode. 

Welcome to The Stress Nanny podcast. I'm your host, Lindsay Miller. And I'm delighted that you're here today. For my conversation with Sarah Maynard. She is the founder and CEO of the Start Effect. She helps people understand the impact that digital world has on their offline lives. And she helps people find balance between online and unplugged, so they can live a safe, healthy and intentional life in both spaces. Sara is a passionate storyteller, and lifelong learner. She's worked with kids for almost 20 years and is a children's book writer and illustrator and digital marketing communication strategist. Her big current project is helping teens become published authors and teaching them how to use digital media to their benefit. Sarah, thank you so much for joining me today.

Sarah Maynard  1:59  
Thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here.

Lindsay Miller  2:02  
I'm really excited about this conversation, because this is something that every single parent has questions about is wondering about is trying to figure out and find balance with you know, I feel like it's one of the key spaces where parents have a lot of guilt. You know, and like frustration and conflict. And so I'm yeah, let's just dive in how it helped me understand first, like, what, what brought you in this direction of like helping families balance and manage online and unplug living? Yeah.

Sarah Maynard  2:31  
So I have always been really fascinated about how and why we communicate. And so just as, as the internet has grown, and it's kind of just integrated itself into our lives, it's been really fascinating for me to watch how we use that tool, and sometimes how we don't even realize that we're using it and kind of consuming it all the time. And so as my kids are getting older and starting to use all that media more on their own, I realized that it's like in mom's groups and stuff, right? We're talking about it all the time. And people were coming to me and asking me questions, and I was like, Maybe I should talk about this more. So I was like, Yeah, I can I can do that. Because I got my master's in digital marketing communications. And I just love to kind of dig into why we do the things we do and where we're doing it.

Lindsay Miller  3:23  
Yeah, yeah. No, I love that. Well, and just even the phrasing, like you just said, this is a tool that we have, are we using it as a tool? I mean, simple things like that can go such a long way. So yeah, let's get in. Let's get into it. What are some of the things we can do to help kids even just, like start to talk to us about what they're doing online? Because I know there are a lot of parents who are like, not sure, right? Or like the kids a little bit standoffish and feels like the parents trying to get in their business. So how do we how do we help our kids feel comfortable talking to us?

Sarah Maynard  3:51  
Yeah, so my number one tip is to let your kid teach you. So if if you approach it as that your your kids the teacher, right, that they know that things because they already think they do, right? So let's just put them in that position. Anyway, there that's going to open the door for you a little bit. So whether that's playing an online game together, watching tiktoks learning how to use Instagram, doing a reel together, whatever it is letting them guide that and showing that you have interest in it is going to help them be be more willing and already ready to have those harder conversations when they do come up.

Lindsay Miller  4:33  
That's so powerful. I love that when just the recognition that Yeah, sometimes. I know for me when I'm wanting to engage with my child, it's not usually on electronics, right? Like I'm not usually wanting to be like let me watch you play this game. Right.

Sarah Maynard  4:49  
And I want to show you right there. I'll show you how I built this in Minecraft. ROBLOX okay. Yeah,

Lindsay Miller  4:57  
all right, fine. Yeah. Yeah, the other day. We We had downloaded be real. And the other day, I took a picture, you know, I took mine. And she was like Mom, mom, never take it from like, under your face like that. It's just no one wants to see that angle. And I was like, Oh, hey, thanks for letting me know, you know, but it was, it was like some of those interactions are not always comfortable, right? And they're not always ones that we're like, super thrilled to go figure out and watch, you know, but I love how you're saying, like, just engage with it. This is a way this is your way in, you know, if you get an invitation, take it. Yes.

Sarah Maynard  5:35  
Yeah. And sometimes don't wait for that invitation. Right? Just say, Hey, I'm really interested in about, you know, I want to learn what you're learning. Yeah, show me my craft I somebody was talking about it sounds really cool. I know, you've mentioned it, you're probably really good at it. All of that is helpful.

Lindsay Miller  5:51  
Yeah. Yeah. And same with like social media platforms, right? If we did, we're gonna get into that a little bit more. But like, if, if they're, I know, in our house, there's just like, we have discussion around, like, what is this platform? Why do you want to join it? What is the you know, and so it puts the onus on her to be more, like, really informed? Like, this is why I want to join it. This is what it does. These are the pitfalls. These are the things that are good about it, you know, and so, but but those conversations don't come unless, right, like I have the openness or I'm watching her play Roblox, right. putting a smile on

Sarah Maynard  6:28  
my face. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. No, no, I don't recommend trying to play role like any of those games online while they're playing with their friends. Like make it a separate a separate situation. They don't want their whatever their friends are there. Just make sure you're not trying to get in like, oh, everybody's everybody's like that. No, they don't they don't want you there then.

Lindsay Miller  6:51  
Show me guys. Right. Okay, teens and bombs, like the number one thing parents talk about is how often their teens are on their phones, how to get their teens off their phones, what to what to do to kind of like, do you incentivize, do you punish? Do you know, talk to me? How do you get them off their phone?

Sarah Maynard  7:10  
Yeah, yeah. So I think, as parents, we're really quick to when when our kids have something, whether that's a phone, or a car, or anything, that is a tool that they use in their everyday life, or maybe an entertainment device, right? That when something goes wrong, when they do something that is maybe harmful to themselves, or others, or, you know, goes, there's consequences, right. And usually those consequences are first, our first thought is, well, I'm just going to take it away. Because if I take it away, then they can't do anything. And that's better. The problem with just taking away their digital devices, such as phones, tablets, laptops, is there, so much of their life is integrated into that space. So when you take that device from them, you're shutting them out from all of those things. So one thing that I really recommend is having when you have something like that come up, whether it is a consequence for grades, whether it's a consequence for behavior, any of those things, is to make sure you start with a conversation. So for example, my oldest got his first phone at 14. And when we first started, we start with a phone contract. And we were like, went through all of the different things that he might come up with. And when it needed to be turned off, when it needed to be put away, just to start that conversation like this is a responsibility as and a privilege for you to have. And we understand that it's going to expand your world and help you connect with people better. And so just he's had for about a year, a little over a year and a half. And just recently, we've noticed it's starting to come out more often. He's bringing it around to the dinner table. He's taken an LM family movie night. And we've had to sit down and say, okay, so what, what's going on? Why do you feel that you need to be connected to it so much? Because as we as adults, and parents already know, we do that, too. So we are also guilty of those same things, bringing it to dinner, or popping it on while we're watching a movie. And so we have to just make, you know, first recognize that it's happening. And sometimes we don't, because we don't notice either, right? They don't notice that they're doing it. And that was his first response was like, oh, yeah, I've picked it up like four times. We're like, Yeah, yes. So how can I help you and have them come up with the ideas like so what things are going to work for you to help you be present when you are with people? Now each, like iPhones and Android both have really great integrations for you to be able to set up different stuff. screen time things. And so that's another area that I really suggest you talk with your kids. And when you're looking for those bigger consequences, instead of taking it away, making those parameters come in a little bit more. So instead of saying, Okay, you get four hours a day with your messaging app, now you only get to, because I've noticed your grades are falling, I've noticed, you know, your, your behavior at home isn't extremely pleasant, whatever it is. And so things like this have happened in our house. And I have noticed that now, once we address it, my my son in particular will say, Oh, yeah, you know, what, can we bring those parameters back a bit, because it's too consuming. It's like, there's too many messages. I'm on 15 group chats, like, I have, like, he opens his phone in the morning. And we'll have, you know, 300 messages because other kids don't get their phones turned off at nine like he does. And, but he sleeps better when we do that, because he knows he can't do anything about it until after school the next day anyway. So helping them come up with their own parameters can be one really empowering for them, and you're teaching the tool that they're going to need forever, because then these phones aren't going away, these devices aren't going away. So if we can help them start to guide them and mentor them more than manage for them.

Lindsay Miller  11:32  
Yes, yeah, I love that so much. And I think like as a way to introduce a little bit more mindfulness even to that conversation. Just like the recognition that kids are at this age are already like navigating so much disruption in their prefrontal cortex right as their brains are kind of like rewiring for adulthood. Their executive function the pieces that are like the the brakes like I've heard, Louann Brizendine describes teens as like cars without brakes. And how mentally, like we as parents, like sometimes we put on the brakes for them, you know, and I love what you're saying, like make that a dialogue conversation. And then also like, normalizing it, like you're saying, like, I have trouble with this, too, it's hard for me, I totally get it or helping them recognize like, this is just a stage of development for you, where it's maybe a little trickier for you to manage, I love that you came to me and said, Hey, can we scale back those, you know, parental controls, because, you know, like, I'm always happy to be be helping you, you know, like helping you with the self control, you feel like you're still developing or you know, like, that's not within reach for you yet. So I love the way that you phrase that because I think, like developmentally, there are just so many things going on in adolescence, right? That, like adding, adding this to it. And especially, at least for older parents, like me, I had my daughter when I was 29. And we I grew up without any like, we had email when I was starting college, you know, and so I cannot conceptualize and adolescents with a phone like I have no, like I watched my sisters do a little bit of like, im chat in when they were in high school. But like, I have no conceptualization for it. I think there's so much fear that's rampant about kids and tech use that it's really easy to go down the rabbit hole as a parent and be like, you know, super frustrated and blame. I know one of the pitfalls that I face is like, I'll blame like, well, we're worried what are you? Where's your phone out right now? Like, what are you doing our phone? She's like, Well, I was emailing my teacher because I'm gonna be out tomorrow for soccer. And I was asking what my homework was. Okay, great, good job, you know, like, sometimes, like they're using it in Super responsible ways. But I have to like switch my brain and not see it as the enemy still, you know, like, she's had a phone for a little while now. And feel like okay, if I didn't have my phone, I'd be completely lost. Like I use that thing all day every day. And so just not not reflecting back on my adolescence and being like it's wrecking it and not making it what it could be and thinking like, wow, this is a tool that's like assisting growth, it's assisting development, and us being able to have those conversations to channel it. That's to me the key difference, right, the piece that we need to focus on?

Sarah Maynard  14:18  
Yes, definitely. I completely agree with that.

Lindsay Miller  14:20  
So talk to me more again, because sometimes I can get a little bit cantankerous about the negatives of being online. Talk to me about all the positive things because I know you're big on like, Hey, look at Yeah, this is like helping the kid.

Sarah Maynard  14:34  
Yeah, yeah, there have been a there's a lot of studies, a lot of articles that have happened specifically since the pandemic, people talking about how our kids and us even as adults were able to find connection when we weren't able to see each other in person and in our kids and our teams today or have the ability to find people who liked the things they like even when Super obscure, like the the amount of things that they have access to and can enjoy, so they can really find what it is that they like, and then find other people that like it, which is just validating. And, and can really not only, you know, help a little bit with that, that self validation, like, Okay, I do like cool things, but also continues to reward that, like I listening to your own self. And that whole journey is really been fascinating to watch this younger generation go through the amount of self awareness that they have. And powerful. Yes, exactly, and are willing to talk about not maybe not necessarily with their parents, but they talk about it with each other. And it's, it's been able to, I think, really help them feel more connected. And now that's if they're doing it in a healthy way. So guaranteed, there are ways and there are times that we need to step back, and we can see that it is being harmful. And that usually is an indicator that they're in the wrong space online. Not that online itself is bad. But the spaces that they are in are not great for them, whether that is who they're following on their social media and who's popping up on their feed, or if they're, you know, playing certain games with just groups of people that they don't really fit with. So a lot of that, again, is that guiding them to help them find the spaces that they really can flourish and grow.

Lindsay Miller  16:38  
Yes, oh, I love that so much. And I love that you brought up self awareness. Because I think, you know, in an, again, a developmental context, I think that kids are self actualizing, like knowing themselves manifesting their gifts, like letting those gifts show up in the world. You know, like the generation below might probably your generation, the generation below mine is like doing that in droves. And it's incredible to watch. Like, it's so amazing to me to see, like what doors have opened, because there's access to information, opportunities, possibilities and the will of like, opportunity to get to know yourself in a way that really like, this is what makes me tick. This is what you know, brings me joy and I can access it here. You know where and you're not like stewing around for years just trying to figure it out because you never had access to it. And you never bumped into it in terms of a person or an organization. And so I love, I've loved watching that, like from my vantage point in, like my 40s watching all of the ways that like being able to draw in the things that you love is so much easier, you know, then oh, yeah, then it used to be in the old days. But I think one of the other things you brought up that AI is really powerful is again, this like recognition that influence matters. And I know with mindfulness, that's something I focus on with the kids that I work with in the kids group that I teach, like we talked about the other day, we're having a conversation about comparison. And I think that there's there can be a tendency when we see kids making comparisons or getting frustrated about things they don't have that they see other people have to again, like you said before he was Yeah, Mom, you're right. I did pick up my phone four times or was. So talk to me about kind of that process of helping them kind of just tune in like you're saying to move to the impact and have a little bit more self awareness around how the phone has an influence on their day to day. demeanor life. Thoughts.

Sarah Maynard  18:41  
Yeah, yeah. When you're saying if it if it was a process 1,000% It's we're still in the middle of the process. I feel like sometimes it's like telling your toddler to stop touching the oven as they're trying to like, learn that the stove gets hot. Like, I feel it's the same, like you still have to be like Nope, that part's still hot. No, still hot like, because, you know, they'll try a different part or they'll move to a different piece. And it's coming back to like, Oh, yep, yep. And now we have to Yeah, we still took it out. Yeah, I know. It's a different day. But yeah, we still did the same. And I think we do that ourselves too. And a lot of that is just coming back to it having that awareness and our kids aren't going to no one comes to it naturally. Because these devices have I've done an extremely good job. The ABS are doing a fence they're doing exactly what they were designed to do, which is keep us on our gauge engaged and keep us there. So we have to have ways that we can break that. Now whether that is you set a you know, anytime we're sitting around the family table, no one has a device or you set a specific room in your house. That is a You know, a device list, or maybe you have like the Family TV, but otherwise the devices aren't in that room together. So either a space or a time of day. And so for example, if your kid is having, you know, you start to see that they're really irritable more often, they're constantly picking up their phone, they're constantly maybe checking their social media likes, or, you know, people commenting, whatever it is. And you can see that it's really, that is the thing that's really starting to affect them, it's starting to just drive how they do everything. And in that instance, that's, we want to be really careful, because they feel so attached to it, that it is it is creating, like physical responses sometimes to, like, just with like anxiety and things like that, and wanting to be connected. And that fear of missing out that FOMO can be massive. And so we have to be really careful that we're slowly pulling back that we're slowly coming into it. And we're not saying, okay, you know what, we're gonna do a digital detox in our house. And that could mean, we take a half an hour, and we play a board game, we take, you know, 45 minutes, and we take a walk outside, but making it a small thing that we do every day. And then after doing it for, say, a week, right? Check in and have those conversations and say, How is this making you feel? Do you feel better when you're able to take some time, and because they're not going to make that connection? Often they're not going to make that connection on their own. So being ready to have that conversation, after you do it once, they're not going to think it was a good idea. Two or three times, they're still not gonna think it was a good idea. But if that consistency, and but don't jump forward too fast, right? So do that half an hour a day for maybe a month, maybe two weeks? Right? What you have to base that off of how it's going in your own space, because it's going to be different for every one every kid every family. But once you start seeing improvement in their behavior in the way that they carry themselves in the way they talk, then that's when you can say, okay, let's let's talk about it a little bit. Let's say why do you think you feel better now? What are some things that can help you going forward? What are some things you want to try? And again, empowering them to make those decisions? Because that's only going to help them later?

Lindsay Miller  22:34  
Yeah, yeah. Oh, I love those ideas. Thank you for sharing them. I really love the perspective you shared around guiding and how, like, in terms of adolescence, we talk a lot about how this is a stage where you're co piloting the plane, right? And you're both dry, you're both flying it. And within a couple of years, it's going to be you know, you're a passenger on the on the flight? And how if we can kind of think about it in that way, what you're saying makes so much sense because well, saying, Okay, I'm taking your phone, it may be solves the problem right now. But it doesn't give the skills and awareness that what you described, you know, does and while your way is gonna take infinitely more conversation more time, more intention and more energy, it's going to be the thing, like you said, that's lasting, because it's an educational process, as opposed to a mandate. And I love I love the way you describe that.

Sarah Maynard  23:34  
Yeah, and I've found that with, you know, not only with my own kids, but friends of mine who have done the same things. If you do start to see progress. It's slow, but it happens just like everything else. We're trying to teach them. But you know, but as they get older, and I've actually so think about this until right now, but like with my, my youngest sister is 15 years younger than I am. So her her experience with the digital world is vastly different and much closer to how my kids see the world than me. Yeah, and and so as we were growing up, she actually spent a lot of summers with us with my my husband and I and our family while she was still in school because my parents were both working. So she just come and live with us. And we would have some of these things in place. Like you can't have your you can't have your device all the time. You have to, you know, we have to experience the joy of summer and all those awesome things that can happen there. Right. And it makes it's one of the things that makes me really proud of how she is as a young adult on the internet now, because she is very careful and very cautious about what she puts out and making sure that her public facing stuff is the stuff she'd still be fine to share with our grandmother. But then she has her close friends that she shares things with and there's it's slightly different but she also understands that there is no eraser on the internet. And once you put something out there, it's out there forever. Even if you delete it, someone can still find it. And that that's a piece that can be really difficult to wrap your head around, even as an adult.

Lindsay Miller  25:17  
Oh, for sure, yeah. And then again, back to the car without brakes. I mean, like a car without brakes, who can put out anything into the world ever? You know, I mean, that's it is like dicey to navigate. And so I love Yeah, the conversations that you we have to have, right as parents or as sisters, as you did, to say, just building awareness and patience. And I, one of the things you teach that I love is like how to navigate those moments of learning. Like if somebody messes up online and posts or says or shares something that's just like, maybe not the most informed decision, like you have guidance on that help help our audience know what, like what they can do in those moments, because emotions are high for all parties, right? Parents are feeling like all the ramifications, that the child is often not feeling or understanding. And so then you're like, wanting to convey it. But you're also like, again, operating within this little moment of learning that can have a unlikely will have a significant impact.

Sarah Maynard  26:21  
Yeah, it's really hard when when something when you know, you see something online, and then you're full of emotion, and you have to respond. And, and maybe we do this as adults, there was a time a couple of weeks ago that someone said something in a Facebook group, and I had typed out a message. And then before I hit ENTER said, You do not win arguments on Facebook, do not change minds on Facebook, like it doesn't happen. So there was no, I wasn't, it wasn't gonna be constructive. So I didn't post it, I didn't like it was okay. And I know everyone's fine. But they're there. When when our kids go when they and they'd post something, and, you know, then they start to feel those consequences, whether it's from friends, whether it's from other people that they did tend to see it and then did, there are a couple of things that you can do, and that you can do together. First, we'll be deciding whether or not you want to leave that content on for the first place. And that's going to depend on what the content is. So anytime you can delete it from your page, you can take it down. But once you put it out there, you don't know what happens to it. So you can, you can, you can stop it from continuing to go out unless someone else had screenshotted it or screen recorded it and then they share it again, for things like Tic Toc and reels. If someone's stitched it, they may have that video on like a copy of their video on their device, that even when you take your video down and the stitch won't show up anymore, they could still repost the entire video if they chose to. So, but part of that is when these things happen is having those conversations and letting our kids start to realize that those things can happen. Because a lot of times they will post it and not realize that someone could screen grab it or do you know keep the video or download it and keep it on their hard drive to pop up whenever they want. So it's all about getting into that mindfulness. And when you when you are posting something now, so once it happens, it's more damage control, like so what can we do? How can we do we need to take it down? Do we need to issue an apology? Do we need to say hey, I learned this and now I know better? What is it that we need to do and that's going to differ for every situation, but make sure that you are including your child in those discussions, because we want this to be a learning experience, just as you said, right, teaching them that this is why and how to deal with something when you make a mistake online, which we are all going to do at some point, especially as we become more and more ingrained, and it becomes more and more of our life. So some of the things to learn from that once it's happened, right is here are all the ways not all the ways you don't want to scare them. Right.

Lindsay Miller  29:34  
Let's talk about that.

Sarah Maynard  29:38  
There's a balance. Yeah, so a couple of red flags I'll get into in a second. We'll talk about that later. We can talk about that later. But because we don't want to scare them entirely. We want to make them aware of the world that they're living in and that space online. So you know, mentioning a few things like Hey, someone can take this once you post it, you don't have control over it anymore. Are you have published it to the world, even if you've published it in a private Snapchat with your best friend, they could still keep it. And you know, one day when, you know, I don't know, you wear the same shoes and someone gets mad, it could be anything. And they decide that they're gonna post that thing that you said, that's a possibility. It's not necessarily likely, but it is a possibility. So just kind of knowing that those things exist can help make those decisions when we're going to post stuff. And then another thing to talk about is, when you start to feel those big emotions, whether that is from something that you watched something you read, something someone commented on your post about to not immediately respond, the whole all of social media can feel incredibly synchronous, because of how quickly sometimes things move. But it is an asynchronous medium, meaning that when we post something, it's not like we're having a conversation, like you and I are right now, someone may see that in, you know, a couple of hours, a couple of weeks, a couple of months. So if we take 24 hours to respond to something, it's, it's going to be okay, it's gonna be it's, we're gonna feel better about our response, because we're not responding entirely out of emotion. So we want to allow them to have that time to step back to maybe screenshot whatever it is that has caused this big emotion. And then either in a Notes app or in like a physical journal, to write out your response, write it out a couple of times, and then come back to in a couple hours and see if that if your feelings about it change. And now when you're coming back to it in a couple of hours, the you need to stress the importance of getting offline for that timeframe. Like not living in the online space, while you're

Lindsay Miller  32:08  
dealing with these big processing. Yes,

Sarah Maynard  32:11  
yeah, taking that time to take, you know, take

Lindsay Miller  32:13  
a walk, yeah, make

Sarah Maynard  32:15  
some cookies, read a book, like, you know, read a physical copy of a book, paint a picture, whatever it is, that brings them joy in some way, listen to music, like anything else. To to, to kind of help you remove yourself from it, so that you can come back to it and have a more open and more understanding when you decide whether or not you want to post what you got what you wrote. Yes.

Lindsay Miller  32:42  
Oh, that's so powerful. I think that's such a big insight because it's easy. And like by nature, social media is a distraction. Sometimes we use it as a distraction in our phones, we can use them as as distractions so easily. That then I mean, I know I've done that, if I'm stewing over something, you're frustrated, like, I'll start. I mean, usually I realize what I'm doing not always but you know, start just like going down a different rabbit hole, instead of addressing the thing that I need to address or the feeling that I'm, you know, the conflict that I'm in or the frustration that I just, you know, that just came to me. And I think that's, that is so such a mindful way to approach it. Like, make sure your processing time is not, not in the same space as the thing you're trying to process like, go to a different space, mentally, physically, like go outside, whatever it is, but process in a different place, and then come back instead of just going to somebody else's Feed and like letting it percolate in your brain and letting the emotion kind of simmer. And then you know, not really giving it the space to kind of emerge and you to work through it and you to articulate what you need as a result of understanding what emotion you felt and all of those things. That's powerful. Yeah, exactly. Okay. Well, one of the things that came to mind as you were talking was, what do you how do you engage with a conversation with kids who, like, say, there's a group of teens at your house chatting, playing doing something, and they're all on their phones, and not like, we're playing Jackbox and we're all you know, like music. But like, we're here all together. And we're each you know, and I adults, we do this too, right? We're all just like, in our own little world. So I love like your emphasis on balance between online life and unplugged life. What kind of imitations or awareness to help kids build for for the in person interaction, you know, because you hear a lot of moms talking about, like, I'm worried because they're not talking to each other. And they all just sitting there or I'm worried that they don't know how to have a conversation because every time I see them with their friends, they're both like, glued, you know, glued to the screen. What do you say to that?

Sarah Maynard  34:46  
Yeah. So I think part of it that we have to realize and it's scary and it's hard. But sometimes when they're in those groups, they're in the middle of one of those group chats and they are all talking to each other. was doing it on their phone, which we don't understand because we didn't grow up having that as an option. And so, it's, it is the way that they really like to communicate, and they understand it, they're comfortable in it. So I think to encourage, encourage them to, you know, expand and put down their phones a little bit. It's, it's always having something available, that's tactile, something that they're going to have to pick up and hold in their hands, whether that's card games, whether that's, you know, food, foods the best. Especially with drippy food, because they don't want to have it all over. Like there's the bone. And it's like, it's like putting, you know, blending up your vegetables and putting them in their spaghetti sauce, right. It's just having the things available. And kind of sneakily saying, oh, you know, y'all come have some nachos.

Lindsay Miller  36:06  
Does anyone want any fun do it.

Sarah Maynard  36:10  
And you know, and they're gonna get into it. And it may just like anything else, it may take them time to make that space that they get off their phones bigger. But the more often you just have the things available, the more that they're going to be able to see that integration and really start to form incredibly well rounded friendships that can survive both on and offline.

Lindsay Miller  36:36  
I love that. I, I love the word used integrated because in mindfulness, we talk about integrating a lot and like integrating our emotions, integrating our thoughts and like making sure that both sides of our brain are integrated. And I love the like non dual perspective you have around it, you know, it's not like an online time is bad. And in person time is good. You're saying like both have a lot of value. And it's a matter of blending them and weaving them together in ways that are really functional and that are, you know, we're self aware around. And that also are like moving in the right direction.

Sarah Maynard  37:14  
Yeah, these things aren't going away. And they're, they're really the first generation that can really shape how our future looks. Because they have these devices in their pockets. They have their friends with them all of the time, which we didn't have growing up when I got home, I was home. Like if somebody else went down this

Lindsay Miller  37:36  
go to her house if my mom was on the phone, like,

Sarah Maynard  37:39  
Exactly, that's exactly yeah, it then and then somebody got on the internet, and you couldn't be on the phone anyway. Because really loud, annoying screech, the things that they will know. But but they are creating something different. And that doesn't mean it's bad. But they do need a little bit of that guidance. Because Because these phones and our devices are want to suck us in. And so helping them to find that balance, and help them to find a way to integrate it, even if we don't understand it. And we're not really comfortable having all of that happen at once. They really are. So loving them, figure it out and guide them a little bit. Yeah,

Lindsay Miller  38:23  
yeah, no, I really, really love that. Because, again, like you're saying, if it reminds me of the initial part of our conversation where you were talking about letting them be the teacher, and like not be real app I didn't know I never heard of. I mean, she knows about all kinds of stuff that I have no idea about, right? And I mean many things. So the be real one, she was like Mom, this, this is this app, this is what it is, you know, this is why I like it. And it was interesting, because again, my knee jerk reaction was just like, I don't I don't think you're ready for this. I don't think social media is a good thing for you right now. I don't. And I had to temper it with like, you know, her recognition that someone had created an app that was a little bit more authentic. And her desire was to engage with her friends in a way that was more authentic. And that's what she was trying to describe to me. And I was like, Well, that seems a lot better than like Facebook, you know, or that seems a lot better. But like what you're saying about these kids being solution focused, being able to tackle problems, being able to make changes and just affect change in the world in ways that like, I didn't even dream of if I don't get on board with that, you know, it's not to say I have to get on board with every idea she has, or every social media app she wants to do. But if I'm not like an open minded parent, in terms of like, potentiality for some of this stuff, it's it is like you're saying going to be a hindrance, right? Like if I can approach it with an open mind and with the willingness to be like a learner. Tell me more about that. Tell me why you think that's cool.

Sarah Maynard  39:57  
Yeah, and you're right, all those open ended questions. out like a yes or no answer anything where you can say, Well, why do you like that? Tell me about that. Tell me more. Anytime we can ask them for more another again, one of those things is going to take time. They're not going to straight out give you long paragraphs, unless like the personality that is my daughter's personality. And she will talk to you about 45 minutes. If you say what was that book about? Yes, I love it. Yes, but, but a lot of teams are going to do that for us. So. So just knowing the more you ask, the more open they're gonna get.

Lindsay Miller  40:33  
Yeah. And again, doing it in the way like you're describing, not like, this is ruining your life and mine. Yes. Like, this is such a cool tool. Tell me more. Yes, yeah,

Sarah Maynard  40:45  
exactly. And I think for letting them know that it is a tool that we're using, and helping that instead of a piece of their life that they can't let go of for any reason whatsoever. It is a tool that helps us live life better.

Lindsay Miller  41:00  
Yes. Oh, I love that phrasing. Because I think that, again, like in the conversations that we have around it, like we frame it for them, just like anything in childhood. We're framing it. And so I love that. Yeah, this is a tool to make your life better. Is that what it's doing for you right now? Or? If it's not, then let's make an adjustment. Yes, yeah, exactly. So along those lines, we just have a couple of minutes. But talk to me about the keeping kids safe online. And just that that piece where we help them build awareness without completely horrifying them about like, what can go wrong?

Sarah Maynard  41:33  
Yes, yeah, because there are a lot of just and just like there are in offline life, there are people that have malicious intent, and that's unfortunate, but they exist. So letting our kids know that there are a couple things that they need to just kind of keep their eyes out for. And if they happen, maybe that should elicit a response that's like, I'm gonna step back for a minute, I'm going to ask for help from my trusted adult for a minute. So I have five red flags that you should teach your kid to be just be watching out for. One is asking if someone is asking them to keep a relationship or any conversation a secret. So anytime someone's like, oh, no, no, let's not tell anybody. It's not a surprise party. So it is different. But if a secret makes you feel bad, or scared or uncomfortable, then it's not one that you need to keep. That's one you need to share with the trusted adult with your parent. And make sure that you're having a conversation and know it could be another kid that doesn't you know that they have a crush on you. And they don't want anyone else to know. Yes, that is a possibility. But you still can talk to your parent about it and say, Hey, this is happening. I'm just kind of watching it to see what happens.

Lindsay Miller  42:53  
The practice of like, not letting secrets be a thing. Like it's smart.

Sarah Maynard  42:59  
Yeah, so if it doesn't have an end date, or an end time, like a surprise party has Okay, on Friday, though, whatever, we're gonna have a surprise party for whoever Yeah, then that's okay. But, and, but if it doesn't have any of those things that makes you feel bad, it makes you feel uncomfortable, then those aren't secrets we want to be keeping. Yeah. The second one is anytime that someone asks what you're wearing, for, there's no reason that anyone online needs to know what you're wearing. Now, I'm not talking about your best friend calling you up and saying, Hey, what are you wearing to prom? That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about somebody who is just you're just in a chat room, or they're, you know, sending you something in the DMS and they're asking you what are you wearing right now? We're not Jake from State Farm. None of us need to be asked that question. So that's another one that they need to be like, Well, why does that person even care? Kind of set off their set off their vibe a little bit?

Lindsay Miller  44:00  
Yeah. Like, this is something like be pay attention. Pay extra attention right now and dislike distance. Ask for help. Yeah, yes.

Sarah Maynard  44:08  
Yeah. Yeah. So the third one would be anytime someone's asking specifically about their schedule, if someone asks where they're going, what they're going to be doing every day. And so that also includes keeping their calendars and their schedule, private, and also including locations. So this one is a big one, because I'll see a lot like, Hey, I'm going this is my school. I'm going to this football game. I'm going to, you know, this is my concert. I want everyone to show up. Now, which if you have a private group with people that you're sharing that information, that's one situation but if you have a public profile, or you're in a game on Roblox and somebody's asking these questions, we don't need to share that with them. That should set off that little bowl that says something's not right here. Yeah, so that that one's a big one that people that's one that I think that people don't think about as much. One because it's kind of a, it's a little. You just feel like, Oh, this is what I'm doing. This is where I'm going.

Lindsay Miller  45:12  
Yeah, kind of a more normal question that a friend might ask you, like, what time you get into the game? And then if someone else random asking, you just might answer without thinking, like, oh, wait, like, that person isn't gonna be anything. And they don't need to know that exactly like filtering

Sarah Maynard  45:26  
filter. Yes, exactly. Yeah. So that was just one to that one, I think is one that, you know, kind of ticket a little bit. So this one is, uh, this number four is sending gifts and saying they expect something in return. So talking specifically about digital gifts, which are extremely hard to track things like currency and online games, or virtual gift cards, they are really, really, really difficult to figure out where they came from once you have them. So my favorite example of this is I was talking to my oldest a year or two ago, and I was like, if some if you had been talking to somebody, and they also said that they were your age, and you were both into Minecraft, and then one day, they were like, Hey, I have 20 extra dollars in mind coins. Do you want it? And he was like, Yeah, I'd take that. And I was like, Okay, so let's do it back. If you had 20 extra dollars in mind coins, would you just randomly give it to someone? You don't really know that well? And he was like, Well, no, obviously wouldn't do. And then he was like, Okay, so maybe I shouldn't accept that. And I was like, exactly. That's a we should stop talking to this person. That's not, that's not what we're looking for. So it's different. If it's obviously if it's your friend, if it's a family member, that it's revolving around some kind of life event, that maybe this is the gift that they're giving. But those people you usually are also talking to offline. And they don't necessarily just send them to you in a Minecraft chat, or game chat or something

Lindsay Miller  47:02  
like that. It's a gift. That makes sense.

Sarah Maynard  47:04  
Exactly. Yeah. So again, it's just something to have them think about. Because a lot of times people, what we'll see with predators is they will send gifts like that, and then use that to try and make the kid feel guilty about not giving them something later. And they're not necessarily things that happen one right after another. So your kid may not even process those

Lindsay Miller  47:30  
images, like they might feel to kind of owe someone something or feel bad if they say no, but okay,

Sarah Maynard  47:36  
that's Yeah. Okay. And so this last one was, the big one is asking for photos or videos of your kid. There are. So there's a list I have of things that you that no one needs to ask, no one needs to ask for photos of your kids. And these are things that you can tell your kid to right. So you say don't have anyone asks for you in your pajamas, or a swimsuit, pictures of your hair or your feet, them in clothing that's usually covered by other clothing, or body parts that are usually covered by other clothing. And I try to make sure that I'm saying that in a way that they understand. But also in a way that doesn't make it very graphic, because we're not trying to push that needle too far for them, either. They'll get there eventually. I'm sure that's the internet. But we want to make sure that when when people are asking them for these questions, asking them for different things, that that puts that note in their brain to step back, to have a breather to not immediately send that picture of them. Because they don't, they don't know what that person is going to be doing with it. I talked to a teacher a year or two ago about her students who were getting just people on the internet sending the messages saying, hey, send me a picture of your feet for 20 bucks. And they were doing it because they had no idea why that and they're just like, that's an easy $20 spent on me 20 bucks, like and not having any idea of what, where it's coming from or where it's going. So just starting these conversations with those five things, to put that little bug in their brain a little bit. So when they happen, if they happen, they've at least started to think about it. So they can start thinking about how to get themselves out of those situations. So for any of these questions, remind your kid and empower them to say no. And that no is a complete sentence. If they're in any way uncomfortable that they can say no to anyone about any of these things.

Lindsay Miller  49:48  
Yeah, those were so good. Thank you. And I think again, like the the theme throughout like empowerment, like helping them use this tool in a way that makes their life better and And that keeps their ability to choose other things intact. Yes. And like if it's impeding any of those things and creating angst recognizing that not as like, a need to completely remove all technology, but as an I mean, as a need to have a conversation and exercise a little bit more discernment, teach a principle, connect, understand, learn what they're doing. And I love. Yeah, just your approach. It's so empowering, I think for both the child and the parents. So thank you so much. I feel like we can go on. I know we're out of time. Thank you, sir, for being here. Talk to people about where they can find you. I know you have an amazing newsletter, like, let Sarah be part of your village. As you raise your kid. Oh, yeah,

Sarah Maynard  50:44  
yeah. So you can find me at the start effect.com. And I'm also on Instagram, Facebook, and a little bit on Twitter at the start effect.

Lindsay Miller  50:53  
All right. Thank you. Again, this has been amazing.

Sarah Maynard  50:56  
Awesome. Thank you so much for having me.

Lindsay Miller  50:59  
Well, hopefully that conversation took a little bit of overwhelm out of your life and added a few practical tips to help you navigate social media with your kiddos in a way that leaves everybody feeling connected and informed. I think that communication piece is just so important. So hopefully, you walked away with some concrete ideas on how to communicate better around social media. Thanks again for being here. 

You've just finished an episode of The Stress Nanny podcast. So hopefully you feel a little more empowered when it comes to dealing with stress. Feel free to take a deep breath and let it out slowly. As you go back to your day. I'm so glad you're here. If you're a longtime listener, thank you so much for your support. It really means the world to me. If you're new, I'd love to have you follow the podcast and join me each week. And no matter how long you've been listening, please share this episode with someone who is stressed out. If you enjoyed the show, would you please do me a favor and go to ratethispodcast.com/thestressnanny and leave a review. The link is in the show notes. I'm so grateful for all my listeners. Thank you again for being here. Until next time!

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